Got him!
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*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?