[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
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Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib