*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
You Might Also Like
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”