ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
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what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.