[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
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I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?