Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
You Might Also Like
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT