TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
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your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Xylophonist Shredding It
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.