Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
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I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally