Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
You Might Also Like
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…