The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
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“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
emergency phone
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork