Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
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9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Great Canadian literature.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps