No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
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I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.