hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
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I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
these two trucks have the same bed length
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
i made a craigslist ad !
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands