People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
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knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
how high up are we talkin’?
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.