I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
You Might Also Like
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*