My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
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Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
The old gods are rising again.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”