If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
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She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
This kid will have a bright future.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Life with a cat in one tweet
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
(more comics:
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ