Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
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ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.