There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
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Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
🤭😂
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.