[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
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[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
You had me at “define legal”.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.