Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
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[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Well, that didn’t work.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery