6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
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customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower