me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
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People who hate candy corn love telling you.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.