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first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
That’s not how days work.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer