To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
You Might Also Like
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.