No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
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Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭