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Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo