I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
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Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!