i hope this email finds you fast and furious
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The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day