Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
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[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed