Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
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VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Duck typos.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”