11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
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[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*