Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
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Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..