The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
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wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]