i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
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Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
lmfao
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.