Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
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My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly