Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
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The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.