[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
You Might Also Like
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured