I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
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I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Customize Your Wedding.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.