Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
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In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion