I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
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My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time