SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
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Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.