SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
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Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”