Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
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And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
ready to be harvested
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.