[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
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Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks