The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
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Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
LA today:
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Food gives you energy to nap more.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all