[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
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Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
concern
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.