Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
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I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.