Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
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“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They鈥檙e the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[sipping hot orange juice] if you鈥檙e breaking up with me at least give me a reason
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it鈥檚 not ok to give my kids ketchup that鈥檚 2 years expired.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
DISNEY EXEC: So we鈥檙e going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
At my daughter鈥檚 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she鈥檚 eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she鈥檇 ever actually met a 4yo.
I identify with this toooooo much. 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there鈥檚 nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
whenever I鈥檓 feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out