I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
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I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Never be a pizza!
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?